Relationships Don't Just Happen
by Robin Forbes
I get a lot of email and talk to a lot of guys who say they want to be in a serious long term relationship. Some of them even want to get married to that one special guy. And that's great! Sadly though, most of these same guys have bought into one of three different illusions or myths, (sometimes all three illusions).
We live in a fast and instantaneous culture where we expect to order or do something and get instant gratifying results, for the least amount of time, effort and money.
Unfortunately, much of life doesn't fall neatly into place like this. And a long term relationship or partnership where you live happily ever after with the man of your dreams certainly won't happen with the snap of your fingers.
It's a simple concept and yet for some reason a lot of guys forget that there are no short cuts to long term relationships. They wish for or want instant satisfaction, (that's what bath houses and glory holes are for).
As for the "happily ever after" part; well, not likely. There's also going to be a number of bitter sweet moments, sad moments, and yes, there's even going to be a number of real rocky moments in any couple's life.
But it's both despite and because of all those moments that couples choose to stay together for the long term.
Sometimes, those couples decide to go one extra step and have some sort of ceremony to signify to themselves and the world that they are committed to this partnership for a long time to come.
Long term relationships are built over time.
Another illusion that a lot of gay men seem to have is that they'll meet some hot guy in a bar, take him home, have a good roll in the sack and then all of a sudden they're going to be partners for life with some guy that they just met.
Picking up some guy at the bar or anywhere else for that matter doesn't mean that after a night of fun, you guys are going to become a couple for any length of time.
Sure, you may end up going out several times, but it doesn't mean that the other guy is interested in having any sort of long term relationship with you.
The same goes for going out on a date with a guy that you met through an online personals site. Going out on a date means just that - going out on a date - nothing more.
Long term relationships of one sort or another can result from either instance but it takes time. You have to get to know the other guy first. You have to do things together. You have to constantly share your life. A "relationship" isn't merely a word it's an active connection between two people. It's a connection that requires cultivating and nourishing.
A long term relationship isn't something that happens overnight or over the course of a few weeks or months. Partnerships are a mutual activity and bonding that occur over time.
There are all sorts of men out there and their levels of commitment differ greatly.
Just as there are many different shapes and sizes of men out there, so too are their levels of commitment to any given relationship, the duration of the relationship and just when in life they're ready for said type of relationship.
To try and force a guy into a type of relationship that they don't want to be in or are ready for is both disastrous and a fruitless task.
If for some reason you do manage to snare the guy into the type of relationship that YOU want then you can expect him to be resentful of the situation. You can also expect him to undermine the relationship at every opportunity he gets and he'll always be looking for a way to escape.
That's not a loving, long term relationship. And there's no way that it will ever be one.
If you would like to eventually settle down, go for the guys that are of a similar mind. Don't go for the guys that only want an occasional play mate, they're not looking for your type.
Guys who don't consider themselves as being gay, but for one reason or another don't mind staring at men's bodies and having the occasional taste of gay sex are also poor choices for partnerships of a long term nature. Really, there's no good stable future with them. They're sometimes fun for a few nights diversion but they'll never be anything more than that.
Lastly, there are guys out there that aren't at the same stage of thinking about long term relationships as you are. You're bound to meet plenty of great, dateable guys that haven't given the idea too much thought or the idea is at the back of their mind.
With these types of guys, you may find that if you don't broach the idea too far in advance that there may be something more long term in the making.
Many gay men do have successful, loving, long term relationships. But it takes more than just meeting a guy and wishing it so. It takes a mutual progressive commitment to transform a friendship into a lifetime of love.
Wishing you joy and success in all of your relationships!
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